Terrible stretch of days. It’s been hard, but this blog isn’t about that.
“What a moron!”
“He should have known better than that. Imagine, the world is now irrefutably different all because of a technicality.”
“What are you talking about? The whole process was ridiculous. How could they have reached a decision so quickly?”
“Simply unbelievable.”
Four men – scientists actually – were sitting around a table in a dark corner of a local pub drinking heavily and discussing the implications of what had just happened the day before.
Yesterday, a monumental event in the history of the world occurred. A great debate took place between those that believed in evolution and those that believed in intelligent design. It was aptly nicknamed, “The Great Debate” and it was quite a spectacle to behold. On November 20th, 2063, the ten adjudicators gave their much anticipated ruling.
From the 10th to the 20th of November 2063, ten of the world’s leading proponents of evolution and ten of the world’s leading proponents of intelligent design lived in an undisclosed located. Each day, one member from each “team” presented their arguments.
There was no audience except for the adjudicators and the hundreds of millions – possibly billions – that were watching the daily drama unfold on television. Indeed, television audiences had never been bigger and television networks everywhere were rejoicing at the increased revenue as both the evolution and intelligent design communities tried to outbid each other for the coveted pre- and post-debate ad slots.
The 20 speakers were an interesting mix of people plucked from all walks of life thus adding to the drama. Day 1 saw Dr. James Albeta, the famed biologist, talk about his experience living in remote parts of the world with gorillas and explaining the similarities he found between “us” and “them.” It was truly an inspirational talk particularly when it came to Dr. Albeta describing how he became attached to one particular gorilla and watched as she “died in his arms from a broken heart.”
In contrast, the pro-intelligent design side trotted out the firebrand Rev. Alod Umketta, a travelling African clergyman, whose sermons were renowned for inducing an almost trance-like feeling amongst audience members. Rev. Umketta talked about finding God – such as when he was rescued by a zebra – and defeating Satan – such as when he killed a Crocodile with his bare hands – on his travels through Africa.
Each subsequent day seemed to raise the bar for the next speakers. Other speakers for the evolution included people largely from various scientific and academic backgrounds such as chemistry, biology, molecular genetics, philosophy, and physics. On the intelligent design there were speakers representing all major faith groups as well as a couple of theologians and a popular author/televangelist.
In order to ensure that no undue influence would be placed on the participants, all 30 people involved were picked up at their homes and sent to an undisclosed location. They had no contact with the outside world and each group was to have no contact with each other. The speakers spoke one at a time in a solitary room, non-descript room featuring only a podium. When they were done speaking they were to leave the room and return to their rooms. Only the ten judges would be present for both speakers though they were not to ask or answer any questions – only to listen. The idea was that the winner of this debate would be judged solely on the merit and articulation of their arguments.
****
In the years leading up to the Great Debate the world had seen a remarkable upswing in the amount of violence attributed to evolution and intelligent design activists. The origins remain unknown, but there was a clear upsurge somewhere in the late 2040s that saw this debate move from the corridors of academia and religious institutions to the streets. Polite dinner time conversation on the subject turned to yelling and verbal abuse as families were broken apart. From activists handing out flyers, staging campaigns, pressuring governments for funding, or staging small, but peaceful protests to fistfights, to knife fights, to gunfights, to the destruction of scientific and religious institutions, to revolutions.
Governments worldwide would rise and fall with evolution being the culprit. “Democracy at work!” chanted supporters even when democracy was in fact not at work.
Evolution and Intelligent design militant groups began to form. The world, from the poor to the rich, were taking sides lining up to be either foot soldiers or financiers. No-go areas emerged depending on what side people were on.
It was for this reason that in the late in 2050s back channel talks began amongst world leaders as well as various leaders representing both the camps. Finally, in 1962, it was announced publicly that a debate would be held in November 1963. In the interim, both sides declared a truce that resulted in an immediate decrease in violence.
It was further announced that the debate would be “authoritative and conclusive” meaning the winning team would have their views enshrined as factual and definitive in international law, while those that opposed the decision would face punishment subject to the laws of individual states.
****
On the very last day of debates, a very peculiar thing happened that forever altered history. Abraham Abraham, President of the Council for Intelligent Design, had concluded his speech and summed up the arguments for his side. It was a very impassioned plea in which he highlighted the “moral necessity for the future of humankind.”
Jordan Rondrack, the President of the Council for Evolution, now entered the room to close out the argument for the evolution side. Just before he began his speech, he taped a piece of paper with the slogan of his organization to the front of the podium. The paper read: “EVOLUTION IS TRUTH.”
Jordan Rondrack then continued with his talk. “Thank you. My name is Jordan Rondrack and I want to talk to tell you a story…” It was truly a fantastic speech in which he discussed his own personal experiences, and at the same time wrapped up his entire teams argument in an ingenious analogy about the brain. He ended by saying, “I thank you all for all listening. My colleagues and I were honoured to participate and we trust the judges will make the right decision.”
As he left the stage, the camera cut to the faces of the judges as they stood up to leave toward the conference room where they would deliberate and reach a decision. Each one of their faces was identical – sheer panic and fear.
****
The judges were chosen not because of any particular expertise, but because they were either completely indifferent or ignorant or both to the issue at hand. They also had a degree of pre-existing fame that, it was thought, would help in legitimizing the process.
Similarly, for the judges, The Great Debate was seen as an opportunity to gain more fame that would result from them being privy to the largest television audience in history for ten whole days. However, as each subsequent speaker spoke, it became apparent that they were being asked to decide something that was beyond them. As the days grew closer to deliberation day, they became aware that their decision would have a worldwide impact of unknown consequences.
“What are we going to do?” asked Glenda Watson, Australian gold medallist in Women’s high jump at the 2058 summer games.
“Surely they must know how insane this is. If we just explain that we are not experts and therefore can’t be expected to make such a decision then I’m sure they’ll understand and cancel this whole stupid thing,” replied Anna Nuvemka, the star of the latest Romance-Comedy, Love Sucks.
“Yea I’m sure that’ll happen,” said Andy Oden sarcastically, the 19 year old American singing sensation whose latest album went double platinum and was just re-released in French.
“This is madness. I don’t even care about religion or science. Why are we even having this debate?” pleaded Anna more to herself than to anyone else.
“You know damn well why. We could have refused to take this job, but we didn’t. We can’t back out now anyway so let’s just think of a way to deal with this,” chimed in Bollywood star, Mahesh Nukar.
“Why? Why can’t we back out?” asked Anna now on the verge of tears.
“Who would we ‘back out’ to? We’re not even sure who hired us. Who would we talk to? Besides if we don’t answer there will be riots and violence worse than there was before. The people of the world are expecting an answer. They are expecting peace.”
“Mahesh is right. We need to give an answer,” said Calvin van Ordenbelche, the infamous 68 year old Dutch painter most famous for his Mona Lisa with moustache painting. He had been sitting quietly with his head in his hands until this moment. “The trick is to give an answer without giving an answer. I think I know how to do that.”
“Do tell professor,” said Andy as everyone leaned in attentively.
“The key is in the last speaker, Dr. Jordan Rondrack” Calvin paused and looked around to see if anyway was following his thought pattern. When he noticed everyone still looked very confused he sighed and continued, “He used a prop! The sign…”
“The ‘TRUTH IS EVOLUTION’ sign?”
“That’s the one,” answered the Dutch painter.
“So?” asked Nga Lau, the beautiful Chinese actor.
“So props are forbidden. It’s in the rules. We rule that Dr. Jordan Rondrack and the evolution side cheated and are therefore disqualified.”
“But I agree with the evolution side. The intelligent-design argument is just stupid,” said the German basketball star Lars Ulrich.
“What? No it’s not. The intelligent-design side was soooo much better. That crazy preacher guy on Day 5 was insane,” said Andy.
Before this could go any further, Calvin van Ordenbelche cut in. “It doesn’t matter what you think!” he thundered, “Look, we can argue and argue, but I’m willing to bet we won’t solve anything. The rules state we need to be unanimous. The only way to do that is to not answer the question. It’s the only way to get out of here. I’ve had enough of the violence, of these two groups, of this whole bloody process. Let someone else figure it out. That’s what I say. For now, we postpone that decision by not directly answering it. Maybe down the road people smarter than us will figure it out. However, let us have peace and quiet in the meantime.”
There was silence as Calvin van Ordenbelche’s eyes cut from one person to the next. As he did so, each one nodded silently in agreement.
****
Two hours after Dr. Rondrack had given his speech, everyone had been assembled together for the first time. All 30 of them stood there in the room in silence. The judges stood in the center, the evolution speakers on the left, and the intelligent design speakers on the right as they waited for the green light to come on that would signal the television cameras were rolling. Finally, it came on. Calvin van Ordenbelche stepped forward.
“Good evening citizens of the world. We, the humble judges, have reached a unanimous decision.” He paused, took a deep breath, and then continued, “Due to the illegal use of the prop by Dr. Jordan Rondrack representing the evolution team, we declare the intelligent-design side to be the winner of The Great Debate and therefore the intelligent design belief to be authoritative and conclusive. May there now be peace.”
There was a deafening silence in the room as Calvin van Ordenbelche and the rest of the judges stepped off the stage and left without looking at either group. Then, suddenly there was a cheer from the Imam and then all of the intelligent-design speakers began to cheer as the green light faded to black. The evolution speakers then too filed out slowly in disbelief as if in a zombie-like trance. The lone exception was that of Dr. Jordan Rondrack who stayed behind as the celebrations continued around him.
****
The next day, 29 of the 30 speakers and judges were returned to their respective homes from their undisclosed location. The one exception was once again Dr. Jordan Rondrack who was found hanging from a rope in his room.
World and religious leaders proclaimed hope that a new dawn was upon the world. There was also a sense of relief from people worldwide as they began to get back to work. The decades of violence and political strife had numbed them to the reality of the decision. All they cared about was that the violence was over and that they could now get back to doing what they once did. There were a few scattered reports of arrests of people who refused to accept the ruling, but on the whole there was peace. Laws would subsequently be enacted around the world that banned any further mention or study of evolution.
****
The four scientists, now sufficiently drunk, stumbled out of the pub over to a nearby parking lot.
“To science!” said one.
“To the future!” said another as four guns were passed around.
****
From inside the pub, four distinctive pops were heard as a group of four intelligent design activists opened champagne bottles to large cheers. Meanwhile, the dark table in the corner stood empty as if it were a relic of some distant long-ago past.
Outside, meanwhile, there was silence.
Here’s hoping for better days soon.
